Reflections...

So... While going through some old photos last night, I stumbled upon this photo of me taken in November of 2012.... To refresh your memory a little bit... My journey started in March of 2012 with strict Weight Watchers and excessive cardio... By August of 2012, I was completely burned out, and as dedicated as I was before, I became the opposite and completely gave up - yet again. So, this photo was taken in the midst of my size climbing back up... I didn't get my head back into the game ~fully~ until March of 2013... So, this photo isn't even the "worst of the worst".

 

Upon scrolling past this photo last night, I had to stop and back up, then zoom in. I was shocked! It looked like someone I once knew, and old friend, the old me. I sat there and stared at this photo for quite some time, and as I sat there and stared at it, I remembered how I felt all of the time... How I was almost scared to live every day. I was reminded of how difficult it was for me to move, how I could barely roll over in bed, or walk up my stairs to go to work, how difficult it was to stand, or walk, or get in and out of the shower. At the age of 37, my life was that of someone twice my age, someone I'd come to accept as society's description of "normal aging"... There were so many things I couldn't do, so many things I didn't even try to do. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, and every time I put on my clothes - I stared at myself in disbelief, because the person staring back at me was lonely, sad and defeated.

It was sometime during the time this photo was taken, the person you see there, she began to really analyze her life... tried to put the pieces back together... Started researching on how to do right by herself, and her family. It was that person right there who had the courage to take a different path, the courage to find her own way, and the determination to start on a journey with no map and no compass. Just the sheer will for a better life, a life with purpose and a life that was truly enjoyable.

I remember laying in bed one night... Really on the brink of despair... not knowing where to turn or where to start. Truly, the hardest part of this journey was to find the starting line. I always talk about going slow... but if you were to ask the person above, how slow is slow? She wouldn't have been able to give you an answer, because even though she wanted to go slow and make the changes last, she wanted the loss and recognition to be instantaneous. There is nothing that person could have done to prepare her for the journey that was unfolding right in front of her eyes.

Never once, did that person realize what her life was about to become. A life of a weak person that barely had the strength to move about her day and accomplish the simplest of things... Was about to evolve into a strong person - a person stronger than she ever thought possible, a person with very few health problems, a person with confidence, and true joy for life and the people in it, a person - in her wildest dreams - she never thought she even desired to be.

I've said it many times before... It's taken a lot of courage to find a path that was unique only to me... A path that I could forge on my own - whether others have been there or not - the key for me, was finding things I enjoyed doing... And never, no matter what, push myself and force myself to eat things that I didn't like (because they were "healthy") or to force myself to exercise in a way that wasn't enjoyable. It led me on a path I didn't expect to find - ever. It led me on a journey of self discovery. It led me to find my own way.

I've faced many criticisms over the years. People, friends & family who thought I was crazy for taking the path less traveled, because it was right for me. Each person who didn't believe, drove me even further into believing in myself... And believing that my chosen path was the correct path. Those people forced me to learn to trust in myself - they gave me the power I needed to push forward and continue on. And they forced me to analyze every single detail, insuring that I truly was doing the absolute best thing for me. It wasn't easy, and many times I had to prove myself and my intentions to the people who are closest to me, making them see that I was doing what was right - even if it wasn't right for them. But in the end, I truly believe they are proud of me, and for the most part, don't question my ways anymore. They see the person I've become, and I do think they are proud of me.

I look at my life now, and how it's changed, it's very difficult to imagine how I once was. Yet, in the very same breath - I see and feel that person every time I look in the mirror. I struggle with this a lot, because no matter how much I improve my life, I am not sure I can ever truly run from who I was or where I started. I still struggle with how I see myself, and how others see me. Some days, I do look in the mirror, and the person I see looking back at me, is the same person you see above. It might sound convoluted, but I think many people who have been in my shoes struggle with this very same thing. It's totally a mental thing, and I think the only way to overcome it is time... Lots and lots of time.

This journey is an endless one. I say this a lot. Sure, I have a goal size... and if you've read all of my healthy living updates, you'll know that I've been stuck at this size for well over a year. Even though I have truly "plateaued" - that doesn't keep me from trying new things and trying every single day to start over and make it the best day I can make it. I think that is a huge key.... I could very easily shout "failure" from the roof-tops just because I am stalled... but rather than convince myself I am a failure for not reaching my goal with in a given time... I've convinced myself that I am never a failure, unless I quit trying. So, I try... Every day... Every meal... Every snack... I try. Some days, I try harder than others... but I always try.

There is no end here... It is always me against myself... Finding ways to make this work for me... Finding what truly makes life enjoyable and working that into my day, any way I can. Finding purpose and drive where I never thought I could find it. THAT is the goal - that is the true goal. Losing size and looking better is all a side effect of conquering my health and being absolutely the best person I can be, day after day, week after week, year after year.

 

Checking in...

It's been a crazy few weeks here, and with school starting, and my fitness journey taking a new turn - it's been quite fun and interesting.

For a while there, it seemed like things were just humming along at a pretty boring pace...  You know - just the same ol' same ol'...  but now that I've added running to my journey, the same boring stuff has taken on new meaning and focus.

My eating is still pretty good, most days...  I try really hard to still focus on eating non-processed foods and very little crap.  Although, sometimes it's really hard.  Doing my best is still better than doing nothing at all though.

My weight lifting has been awesome!  I think that lifting weights is super important for my running, and just my over all fitness.

And lately -  I've been doing a little walking and a little Walk Away the Pounds, depending on my schedule and time...  And, of course, my mood.  I am trying really hard to do the things I "feel" like doing and not necessarily things I "have" to do.  There's a difference. 

And, my running is improving - I am very excited about this.  I am still very slow - but as they say - I am still lapping everyone on the couch...  So?  It's a great work out for me, and something I enjoy doing immensely - especially when I am done.  I no longer have sore knees or feet...  Although - I am diligent about stretching after and icing after.  I think this is super important. 

I have my first race coming up, and I am beyond excited about this - this is something I never thought I would or could do...  So, just knowing my body is strong enough and my endurance is up - it's just a great thing and something I am very proud of. 

 

In other news...  I have my first Disney trip of the year paid off.  Woohoo!  Only 2 more to go...  I am very excited for all of these trips - as all of them are with very important people in my life, and to be able to experience Disney with all of them - well, it's going to be fabulous!

And a final photo...  I love this picture...  My shoulders, arms, neck and face... Not to mention that this is my youngest daughter's tank top.  Just all of it thrills me beyond belief...  I've worked so hard to get to this point, and to become healthier.  I just never thought I would be here at this time in my life...  I see this as such a great accomplishment.  Sometimes I get stuck on what I still have left to achieve, but then I remember how far I have come, and the amazing strides I have taken - and I am so proud of myself...  My independence, my self-confidence...  All of it.  I have never been happier in my life or with the people in my life.  It's just a wonderful time.   

 

I seriously have so many things I am looking forward to in the coming months...  There are several races I have my eyes on...  I cannot wait to prove to myself that I have what it takes.  With my Disney trips coming up - I am looking forward to running in Disney - which ever resort I happen to be staying at...  But just to be in that place and to be able to run...  It's going to be magnificent!  I am also looking forward to running in the winter here...  Winter has never been a season I really enjoy - I tend to hibernate through much of it - but this year, I am really looking forward to getting out there and experiencing it like I never have before.  I've been eyeing different trails, and finding new places to explore... It's going to be an amazing adventure!

It's been (whoa!) 8 months!

Yup - I am an awful blogger...

I really shouldn't be blogging at all.  But - occasionally - I remember my log-in info and I remember to come back here to update.

I am still here...  I am still working hard at becoming healthier.  I am still stalled out at the exact same size I was last summer - the only difference is that my hair is longer, and maybe my muscle percentage is higher.  Sigh.  I guess, I could really tighten my belt buckle and starve myself to get to a smaller size...  but I am determined to live my life and enjoy my life, so - starving is not an option for me.

But...  I have found a new love...  I know - I know...  I said I never would, and then I did.

After our trip to the lake over the 4th of July, and my new-found love of walking, enjoying the scenery and just being outside...  I decided to continue those walks a few times per week at home...  Ahhh, but then, one day I decided to run.  And I found - a dream of mine fulfilled...  Thanks to my years (yes, it's been years now) of heavy lifting, my muscles were actually strong enough to carry my body while running...  Slow running - but running just the same.  I'll take it. 

The last several weeks have been devoted to learning how to breathe, slow down (like, seriously - I walk faster than I run) and proper posture while I am running - which isn't easy.  And also building endurance. 

See...  I've always wanted to be a runner - as far back as I can remember...  but due to ~ahem~ my (ashamed) years of smoking, several knee injuries, plantar fasciitis, and just my general lack of fitness, there was NO way my previous body could handle such a task... No matter how small I was, I was just never fit enough.  There IS a difference.

Oooh, and the running clothes...  Oh - they are sooo CUTE!  I am addicted to them!  It's so fun to shop for running clothes, and it's so fun to go out and look like I mean business.  Hahaha.  Right now, I am prepping for winter running...  Shopping last year's clearance deals to find myself a few things to stay warm in this bitter MN climate.  It's not easy - but I am so addicted to Pinterest, and I've learned a lot there...  There's so much to know about how to dress and how to layer, and what to wear.  Honestly - I HATE winter...  I don't ever leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary...  but to be honest - I am really looking forward to learning to like this season I've grown to hate.  I do find it some-what romantic to be able to go for a nice run in the freshly fallen snow...  Eeep, Christmas lights...  I love Christmas!  I probably won't find it very romantic once the end of February rolls around though... 

So, now I am aiming for loftier dreams...  Yes - I want to participate in a RunDisney event.  Not just any event, but I am shooting for a half-marathon in 2017.  Which I think is very doable...  And since the 2016 events are already full, I think that 2017 works perfectly for me.  :)  ACK!!!  Dressing up for a race = right up my alley!

I am hoping to do a local 5k  in September and an 8k in November.  This will be interesting, considering I have a Disney trip mid-November...  So I will have to run a little while I am down there.  Ack - I think I am crazy!  I must be!

I am still walking a little bit too...  but I am doing my best to take specified days off and really just enjoy this process and what my body is finally able to do.  As this is truly a dream that I never ever thought I could do, and to finally be able to do this, well - I am still in a little bit of shock.

I promise to try to be a better blogger from now on.  At least, now I have something exciting (to me anyways) to write about.  :)

D~

 

Still Whole30-ing along

Today is day 19 of my Whole30, and I am feeling quite confident.

I love this way of eating!

Many people question me about my choices and wonder how I can "give up" so much...  To be quite honest, I don't feel as if I am giving up anything, really.  But looking back, I've been headed this direction for almost 2 years now (can't believe it's been that long!) - and this is kind of the last step in my process. 

I've done this very slowly...  First giving up Soda for lent in 2013...  Then over the remainder of that year, elminiating anything that came from a box, can or bag...  Researching a lot about diet and nutrition, I stumbled on to Marksdailyapple and discovered that "heathly whole grains" are not really healthy - so in December of 2013, I kicked those to the curb as well...  And now here I am, the final pieces to the puzzle...  Any remaining sugars and dairy - poof - gone! 

I am not sure I could have given all of this up at one time, it would have been way too hard.  But doing it slowly, and systematically has been a really good thing for me.  It's allowed me to really research and understand the "why", and make this a life change.  My life and who I am has been transformed!

When I tell people that it's taken me years to get to this place, I think their eyes cross & they zone out a little bit...  It seems to me that most people can't see beyond the "quick fix" - they want all of the glory - never mind all of the work and dedication it takes to get here.  There is a time commitment, and for me, I've decided that it will be for the rest of my life - however long that may be? 

I watch friends/family go on their diet binges for the next big event or goal, and I do cry a little.  I have a hard time remembering that even though this works for me - it may not work for others.  But I see the items they feed themselves, and it makes me so sad...  Chemical substitutes and pitri dishes of who knows what, disguised as food...  And no one ever second guesses it, just because it's for sale in the grocery store, or it's been approved by the FDA, does not make it food.

But I keep pressing on, I cannot let what others do with their lives affect what I do with mine.  After all, I can tell them what I do until I am blue in the face, but most people are put off immediately because it's "too hard"...  Really it's not.  It's actually quite easy...  Once the chemicals are gone, the chemicals that keep you addicted to the crappy "food", it's acually quite easy to see them for what they are, and to taste that they really do taste like crap - after that, it's super easy.  I have absolutely no desire for any of that anymore.

So...  Day 19 you say...  Yup...  Any changes?

Not really...  I still feel the same.  I feel like I've lost a bit in my gut...  Which is good.  I do feel smaller over all.

Boundless energy?  Not really.

Mircacles?  Nope.

In all fairness, I really didn't have any food allergies to start with though - so I wasn't looking for this Whole30 to give me any insight into any of that.

But I feel good.  I feel right.  I don't feel any guilt for eating things I shouldn't. 

I am really looking forward to what these next 11 days bring for me, there is still time for an unknown miracle.  <3

D~

Whole30

Well, I managed to sail through the holidays.

I knew I would be doing the Whole30 immediately following Christmas, so I was doing my best to adhere to the program for the weeks prior, so it wouldn't be so hard when I officially started.

I had a couple of "bad" meals right around Christmas, but I wasn't about to turn a bad meal into a bad day...  So, I just did the best I could with every situation, enjoyed the holiday and moved on.  Overall, I am very happy with how I ate during the holidays.

I have to post this picture of Josh and I on Christmas Eve...  This photo says a lot, it really does.  First off, my husband has a bad back, and secondly - there is just no way he would have even attempted this last year - or any other year...

Looking at this picture really makes me see how far I have come.  I don't look spectacular up there or anything, but just the fact that I was up there in the first place...  It's just a HUGE accomplishment for me, and for Josh. ;)  And our poor Max, was very worried that his Momma was up there.  It's just a great picture, and one that I love!

Moving on...

Our holiday was spent with family and friends...  Overall, it was a great holiday.  I was able to spend it with the people I love the most, and that is the most important part.  Of course, there were a few people missing - but we had a great time and enjoyed ourselves.

A picture of my "kids" on Christmas Eve...  My oldest daugther and her boyfriend, my youngest daughter and our dog.  My oldest daughter says I am creepy because I think of her boyfriend as one of my other kids - but oh well...  He is here so much, I am just used to him being around.  So, she just can just deal with it.  :) 

A few other random pictures from the holidays...

My oldest daughter and I on our way to visit my Dad.

And my It Starts with Food book - which arrived a few weeks prior to Christmas, just in time for me to dig in and make my holiday a little less bad.  :)

 

 

Then - Allison, her boyfriend, me and Victoria playing Monopoly on New Years Eve...  We had to take pictures of the game board and pack it up to resume another day.  As usual - Monopoly goes on forever.  But we all had a great time, I think.  :)

 

And then, my kitchen...  A week prior to Christmas, I had the brainy idea to redo our floors.  They were driving me nuts.  Which turned into, redoing the floors, then we needed new trim, then we decided to make our coat closet (not pictured) deeper, and put a new basement door in.  This is still a work in progress, as you can see in the above photo...  with the excess trim in the background.  :)  But it looks so much nicer, Josh is doing a great job with it!

 

 

So, that's all for Holiday stuff.

Now, I am starting Day 6 of my Whole30...  I am still pretty excited about it.  I am not sure what is going on, but I am not having many of the symptoms/side effect of the "typical Whole30"... I am not sure if it's because I was doing my best to be compliant for a few weeks prior?  Or if it's because I've been eating Primally for the last year, so the amount of "stuff" I had to give up with this was pretty minimal?  Whatever it is, my Whole30 seems to be going very well, and I am really liking it.  I am sure that's about to change, as boredome sets in...  But I am already feeling great and I am even seeing some nice size loss.  I know my measurements/weight will be a little scewed when I am finished with this 30 days, since I didn't weigh/measure at the beginning of it.  But I am definitely seeing a visual difference in myself this early in the game, which makes me quite happy.

 

I am also back to my regular workout/lifting routine after the holidays.  To be honest, I only missed 2 scheduled work outs during that time...  Both days because I was sick.  So, I am feeling good on that front too.

I have big dreams and goals for this Whole30...  Of course, I want my size loss...  It is my "ultimate goal" to be a solid size 8 by the time summer hits, and judging by the way I am going now, I do think it's doable.  I am also hoping this W30 gives me better control over my food choices - especially my morning coffee habit (something I've been struggling with for a while now).  I am on day 6 of "black coffee" with only adding cinnamon for a flavor boost.  It's pretty awful, but each day is better and better - so I guess that's progress?  I am also anxious to see what other things my body has in store for me - the things I didn't think about, or I didn't know I needed to.  And to be honest, I kind of hope I am able to stick with this longer than 30 days, I enjoy it enough that I think it's something I could carry forward with.  Who knows?  I am only on Day 6...  I might change my mind in 15 more days? 

I hope that everyone has a nice New Year, I hope all of you are finding ways to change your lives in a meaningful way that's sustainable for a lifetime.  :)

D~

It's been a while...

I guess I am not the best blogger in the world.  :)

I don't have much to update.  I am still here and still moving in the right direction.

I feel like I am doing well through these hard holiday weeks, and I don't feel like I am falling off of the wagon, which is good.  My focus seems to be pretty clear.

Part of my success, this holiday season, is that I am planning to do a Whole30 immediately following Christmas.  To prepare myself for that, I've been trying really hard to conform to those guidelines in advance...  Which means, I am really trying to eliminate as much of my sugar intake as I can during this time.  I am not trying to be perfect, I am just trying to make it easier on myself later.  This seems to be working well for me, as I don't do well on an all or nothing sort of diet anyways...  Likely, when I do my Whole30, I will have to do it with a few variations...  I know that is not the spirit of the Whole30, but I need to be able to do what works for me.

This last weekend was our 17th wedding anniversary, so Josh took me out to a gorgeous turn-of -the-century hotel...  We had the most fabulous time!  We learned that we really need to take time for ourselves every once in a while - it's good for our marriage.  Sadly - we don't do this often enough, and we know that, time just has a way of passing us by...  But, it still amazes me, how I can fall in love, over and over again with the same man...  Love and life are truly great!

The reason I mentioned the above...  I was feeling great, all dressed up for our dinner - my oldest daughter did my make-up and I did my hair - I felt good about myself.  I am wearing a solid size large in almost everything - I do have a few mediums thrown in.  :D

The following morning, I took a few pictures of myself in our hotel room mirror, and I was a little shocked at how I looked.  I don't feel like I've lost much size since our Disney trip in August - but I do think these pictures might disagree with me.  I do look different and smaller. 

(And please ignore the weird way I am standing - I am not trying to do that pigeon toed stance that's popular with the young girls these days...  The tiles were really cold on my bare feet - that is all.  LOL)

It's just really fun for me, to see how my body is changing.  Everyone continues to tell me that I am looking younger and younger as the days go on...  I must admit - I am starting to get a bit of an ego.  ;)  But it shocks me to look in a full-body mirror like this, and not see the person I am used to seeing standing there.

D~

First round of Holiday festivites, complete!

It's been a while since I have checked in here... 

It was kind of crazy over the holiday weekend with food prep, food eating and shopping - plus work.  But we survived and we had fun.

I did weigh and mesure yesterday (I guess it was really brave for me to weigh and measure immediately following a holiday weekend like that), for the first time since the end of September - I can't say that I am thrilled with the results, but they aren't bad - so I will take them.  I just feel like I am so stalled out, at this point, I am just going to try to coast through the holidays and maintain (like I did last year - but I'd be thrilled if I lost), then I will try to refocus after - and really commit to getting rid of these last few sizes.

Ok - so officially - I am down another 3.6, for a grand total of 63.4 lbs. -.25 forearm, -.25 neck, -1.25 waist, -1.5 navel, -.25 hips. Everything else stayed the same.

Looking at my progress photos from this summer, there really isn't any change at all.  But looking at the bigger picture, there is a lot of progress, so I really need to focus on that part of it.

Anyways...

There is just so much work left for me to do.  I don't aspire to be society's idea of perfect in any way, but I'd really like to be comfortable in my own skin, and I just don't feel like I am there yet.

D~