It's been a while...

I guess I am not the best blogger in the world.  :)

I don't have much to update.  I am still here and still moving in the right direction.

I feel like I am doing well through these hard holiday weeks, and I don't feel like I am falling off of the wagon, which is good.  My focus seems to be pretty clear.

Part of my success, this holiday season, is that I am planning to do a Whole30 immediately following Christmas.  To prepare myself for that, I've been trying really hard to conform to those guidelines in advance...  Which means, I am really trying to eliminate as much of my sugar intake as I can during this time.  I am not trying to be perfect, I am just trying to make it easier on myself later.  This seems to be working well for me, as I don't do well on an all or nothing sort of diet anyways...  Likely, when I do my Whole30, I will have to do it with a few variations...  I know that is not the spirit of the Whole30, but I need to be able to do what works for me.

This last weekend was our 17th wedding anniversary, so Josh took me out to a gorgeous turn-of -the-century hotel...  We had the most fabulous time!  We learned that we really need to take time for ourselves every once in a while - it's good for our marriage.  Sadly - we don't do this often enough, and we know that, time just has a way of passing us by...  But, it still amazes me, how I can fall in love, over and over again with the same man...  Love and life are truly great!

The reason I mentioned the above...  I was feeling great, all dressed up for our dinner - my oldest daughter did my make-up and I did my hair - I felt good about myself.  I am wearing a solid size large in almost everything - I do have a few mediums thrown in.  :D

The following morning, I took a few pictures of myself in our hotel room mirror, and I was a little shocked at how I looked.  I don't feel like I've lost much size since our Disney trip in August - but I do think these pictures might disagree with me.  I do look different and smaller. 

(And please ignore the weird way I am standing - I am not trying to do that pigeon toed stance that's popular with the young girls these days...  The tiles were really cold on my bare feet - that is all.  LOL)

It's just really fun for me, to see how my body is changing.  Everyone continues to tell me that I am looking younger and younger as the days go on...  I must admit - I am starting to get a bit of an ego.  ;)  But it shocks me to look in a full-body mirror like this, and not see the person I am used to seeing standing there.

D~

First round of Holiday festivites, complete!

It's been a while since I have checked in here... 

It was kind of crazy over the holiday weekend with food prep, food eating and shopping - plus work.  But we survived and we had fun.

I did weigh and mesure yesterday (I guess it was really brave for me to weigh and measure immediately following a holiday weekend like that), for the first time since the end of September - I can't say that I am thrilled with the results, but they aren't bad - so I will take them.  I just feel like I am so stalled out, at this point, I am just going to try to coast through the holidays and maintain (like I did last year - but I'd be thrilled if I lost), then I will try to refocus after - and really commit to getting rid of these last few sizes.

Ok - so officially - I am down another 3.6, for a grand total of 63.4 lbs. -.25 forearm, -.25 neck, -1.25 waist, -1.5 navel, -.25 hips. Everything else stayed the same.

Looking at my progress photos from this summer, there really isn't any change at all.  But looking at the bigger picture, there is a lot of progress, so I really need to focus on that part of it.

Anyways...

There is just so much work left for me to do.  I don't aspire to be society's idea of perfect in any way, but I'd really like to be comfortable in my own skin, and I just don't feel like I am there yet.

D~

Still here...

And still chugging along...

Still eating like I should.

Still excercising like I should.

Still lifting weights like I should.

Still taking days off like I should.

Still enjoying life like I should.

I am feeling good going into the holidays.  With Thanksgiving approaching, I am very excited for that meal.  And since we are not hosting this year - there will be no leftovers to tempt me for days afterwards.  However, I am trying to talk Josh into making a mini-Thanksgiving meal for us, so we can have some of our favorites too.  We'll see...

I work on Black Friday - like I do every year.  Our holiday meal is Chipotle - Yay!!!  It's one of the few places I allow myself to eat these days...  It may not be perfectly Primal - but it's better than many others out there.  I just consider it my 20% and move on.

I am going shopping with my neighbor on Saturday - this is an annual thing for us, and we have so much fun.  We alternate years, one of us drives and the other pays for lunch.  I think we look forward to a nice lunch out more than anything.

Then on Sunday, we will probably go out and cut our tree - like we do every year.

Looking forward to the holidays this year!

D~

I haven't weighed or measured yet...

And I am a little afriad to.

I was so busy around Halloween - I just forgot to do my end of the month stuff.  And here I am, a good third into the next month - telling myself I might as well wait now.

I do feel like I am getting smaller though.  I see pictures of myself, and I feel like I am looking better & fitter - so I think progress is being made.

I went shopping last week to find something to wear for Thanksgiving this year...  I found a dress I really like a lot.  I love how it gives me a nice hourglass shape - eventhough I am wearing jeans under it vs. the tights I plan to wear.  So, that's a bonus.  :)  I am really excited to dress up this year and feel good about myself.

 

 

However, while in the fitting room, I had an experience I've never had before...  I tried on several items and I really liked everything on me.  That has never happened!  I've always gone into fitting rooms, just praying I can get the items on and almost always leaving with tears because nothing looks right.  To go into a fitting room and have the problem of loving everything I tried on - well, I was not expecting that at all.  It's quite strange, and I wasn't sure what to do about it.  So, I did what every person does now-a-days, and I took pictures to let my friends decide.  That was kind of fun. 

 

Now, the next struggle...  What to wear for Christmas?  LOL  I just love being able to dress up and feel good.  This is such a new thing for me.

D~ 

Halloween fun...

Which has nothing to do with my journey to better health...

But it was fun - and something I worked on all week, so I am sharing it. 

I woke up on Monday with a Post-It note on my computer...  My girls know, if they want anything done - this is the best way to make sure I see it.  Sad, I know.

The Post-It had a list of costume requirements...  Allison and her boyfriend had decided to be Mickey and Minnie for Halloween...  Which means...  I needed to get to work.

So, all week long, in the off hours of my work days, I was sewing and creating their costumes.  I guarantee - if they had chosen anything, but Disney - I would not have been as passionate about it. 

But they chose Disney, and I was in my glory!

I started off making Allison's skirt... And she was thrilled with how it turned out! Which, in my life, never happens. Big time score for Mom. Whoohoo!

Then, I came up with a brilliant idea for their shirts...  But there was just no way I could get them done on time if I did them by hand.  So, I did an SOS call on Facebook, and one of my very talented digitizer friends (Heather of froufroubyheathersue.com) did a last minute favor (Thanks Heather) and digitized my idea!  I was soooo excited - because this pulled everything together for me.  Score again!

Since this was a new design, and no one had ever stitched it before - I had to test it before I put it on their shirts...  So this took a lot of time too. 

Aside from that...  I was shopping all week, looking for items to complete Gus' outfit...  It was kind of crazy - but the end result was totally worth it! 

 

The kids were thrilled, and they had a great time. And I got to do some fun Disney sewing! Life is good!

Looking forward to next year - as Allison is cooking up another Disney theme.  <3

D~

The mirror...

I still struggle a lot with how I see myself.

Some days, I look in the mirror and see who I was.

Some days, I look in the mirror and see who I am.

And some days, I look in the mirror and see who I want to be.

I think a lot of people struggle with this...  I am certain I am not alone.

I believe, a person really needs to be able to see all 3 to keep themselves moving in the right direction.

When I see the person I was, sometimes it motivates me and sometimes it makes me feel ashamed.  Even though I am no longer that person - I still remember the hopelessness I felt, and that constant instinct to hide.  I always felt as if I was doomed to live that life forever, trapped in a body that wasn't my own...  I see pictures from that time, and I often wonder how I lived like that?  How and why did I let it happen?  But this motivates me to push harder to achieve my goals, and concentrate on eating what makes me feel healthy and good.

When I see the person I am, I struggle a lot with seeing how far I have come and how far I have left to go.  It's not often I see both at the same time.  I am getting closer and closer every day to an undefined goal, and I am really proud of myself for that! 

When I see the person I want to be, I know that I am not there yet.  But I know I can do it...  I realize that I am strong enough to continue on.  I know this journey has given me so much more than size loss and will continue to do so.

There comes a time, though - when it's not will power or motivation that keeps me going...  It's the fact that I have changed my life so drastically, and the changes I have made are now effortless...   It's not even a matter of this lifestyle being a struggle - it's not.  I really enjoy this, and I enjoy who I've become, the body I have taken back, and the health I've gained.  There is no going back, I can never imagine myself as that person again.

D~

Slowly getting better...

My cough is still hanging in there, but otherwise I am feeling great and more like my normal self.

I plan to go back to my normal work out routine tomorrow.

However, these last 2 weeks of being sick, I've noticed that I am not working out as hard, and I am really seeing some changes.  I have not changed my eating since being sick...  So this makes me wonder if I am working myself too hard?

So, I am going to try a week of M/W/F Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, with Tu/Th being my heavy lifting days.  Then the following week, I am going to do M/W/F Walk Away the Pounds and Tu/Th as heavy lifting.  I think I will alternate like this for a little while and see how it goes. 

I found a nice progress picture the other day, and my friend Mo was kind enough to let me use it as a "before" picture...  The October 2014 photo I took this morning...  It's fun to see the progress, and the ways I have changed.  To be honest - I see the most change in my face/neck and my arms.  I also see a huge difference in my complexion.  What do you think?

I love seeing my hard work pay off...  but even more - I just don't even think of it as "hard work"...  It's work, yes, but I really don't think I workout that much - I really think of myself as more lazy than anything.  I still see a lot of changes to be made - but again, I love the progress.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday - it's beautiful here!

D~

Still sick...

When I said I was sick last week...  I thought, ho-hum, just another cold.  Yet here I am a week later and still sick.

Friday and Saturday were, by far, my worst days...  I fought a fever like crazy both days, and it really took a lot out of me.  It wasn't until my highest fever broke on Friday night, I realized I should have been scared.  I had been passed out for hours... and no memory of that block of time.  I was home alone, and I probably shouldn't have been.

Since then, I have been progressively getting better.  On Monday, Josh insisted I go to the Dr. - who determined I just had a virus...  Sent me home with orders to continue Mucinex and come back in 10 days if I am not better.

The Mucinex is helping, for sure.  But I am still sick.

At least I have most of my voice back.  For a while there, my family thought it was quite funny to make fun of the sick person.  I did not find the humor in that.  At all.

I did go back to working out on Monday...  Real easy like.  I did my Walk Away the Pounds video with out weights, and I was careful not to over do it.

I also did my heavy lifting on Tuesday...  I just took it really slow and easy.

Again, I did my WATP yesterday...  A pushed a little harder than I did on Monday and I did add my weights back in.

I did my heavy lifting again today...  I can still really feel my chest congestion - which is hard when I am working hard.  I breathe so deep and heavy, it's very hard to catch my breath when I am lifting - so I just have to go super slow and I don't do all of my reps in big sets, I break them up a little bit.

Tomorrow, I will do WATP again, and hopefully I will be feeling much better after the weekend off - where, God willing, I can resume my 30 Day Shred on Monday.

I do feel like I am finally making some size progress - it isn't much, but I can see a small change - so I am hoping for some nice results when I weigh and measure at the end of the month.  Maybe being sick hasn't set me back as much as I feared.

I try to take a week off of weight lifting every 6 weeks or so...  So this break was a bit earlier than I would have liked, but in the end, it's about doing what's right for your body at the time.  You can't always schedule sickness or emergencies - so you really have to roll with life and continue to press on.  It's getting back on that horse every time, and just really making it a goal to keep moving, no matter what it is or how small it is.

D~

Sick...

Sigh...

It wasn't in my plans to get sick...  but here I am, sick.

Which means, I did my Walk Away the Pounds 1 mile DVD on Wednesday...  I did nothing yesterday. 

My body says it doesn't want to do anything today either, but my brain says it should.  Even if it's only a few deadlifts.

I know I am running a fever, and it keeps breaking...  Hot then cold, hot then cold...

Sigh.

I guess I will just play it by ear, and see how I feel later...

I tell myself that I must press on, but then I tell myself that I must rest and get better. 

D~

It's my life...

This is a very hard post for me to publish.

As an adult, I struggle a lot with how people see me.  Not necessarily in a physical sense, but how they see me as a person.  This probably doesn't relate to my Primal journey at all...  but it does relate to me, in a big way.

My childhood is something I rarely talk about, yet it haunts me every day of my life...  It follows in my shadow, and as much as I'd like to forget it, I know I never will.

I was never abused.  I was never mistreated.  And I was loved by every single person in my life - no matter who they were or what their purpose was for being there for me.

You see...  As long as I can remember, and as far back as I can remember - I was raised knowing my mom was going to die.  It was a fact.  No one knew when it was going to happen, but it was going to happen.  She was very sick.  I don't remember a time in my life where I felt safe in the fact that the people I loved would always be there for me, because I knew they would leave, and I knew my mom was going to die.

As a little girl - when my mom was still well enough - I used to sleep with my parents...  Right in the middle...  I remember having nightmares that my mom had died right next to me, I would wake in the middle of the night and try to wake her up, and she always woke...  My nightmare was that one day she wouldn't wake.  I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5.

Growing up, going to Catholic school, we went to church every single morning...  At the family church.  Every morning - I would sit in that church and imagine her casket at the front.  And I would cry.  Every day.  God understands why I hate going to church.  I don't fear Him, or my faith...  I fear the memories.

The older I grew, the sicker my Mom became.  It wasn't long before she was no longer able to care for me, and my Dad had to care for her.

So, my bags were packed, and off I went to live with relatives.  Wonderful relatives.  People that loved me and made me a part of their family. 

But I wasn't an easy kid... More than anything - I just wanted MY family.  I wanted my parents, I wanted my brother.  I didn't understand why that would never be.

I moved back and forth a lot...  One family to the next, back home and eventually a couple of foster-homes and group homes.  All of these people loved me - I may not have seen it then - but I know it without a doubt now.  So many people took care of me, guided me, and did their best to make sure I was well taken care of.

When I was 16, my mom finally died.  And it spiraled my life out of control.  My entire life was me being prepared for her death, but when it finally happened - I was not prepared at all.  I had spent my life running from her, and being afraid to know her - because I knew she was going to die.  So many words left unsaid.  In my head, I thought her death would hurt less if I didn't know her.  How wrong I was.  It's been almost 23 years since her death - and I still grasp at any memory I can get of her, and any stories anyone can tell me of the woman I loved more than anything - yet I was too afraid to know.

Most children grow up wanting to be a Doctor or a Lawyer...  Not me.  My one and only dream was to be loved by someone and have a family.  That's it.  I didn't care about money (I still don't), I didn't care about all the worldly possessions I could attain...  None of that was important - not at all.

Being in so many schools still affects me as an adult...  15 schools in 12 years.  Not so much my intelligence, but in social situations...  I hate walking into big crowds of people, where I am the stranger among them.  I will avoid those situations whenever possible.  Another reason I hate going to church.

Awesome life story - huh?

Really - I am leaving out so much.  To blog about it all would bore you to death.

But then I met my husband...  And all the pieces of my life alligned!  He is an amazing person, and I fell head over heels in love with him, almost the moment we met.  And he loved me back - even with all of the demons that followed in my shadow.

He proposed 4 months after we met...  We both knew - we just knew.  Falling in love was almost instantanious.  He is absolutely the best part of my life, even now - after 17 years of marriage...  He is my best friend.  He keeps me grounded and reminds me every day that he loves me.  Don't get me wrong, we have our ups and downs like every marriage - but that doesn't make me love him any less.  I am so very lucky!

Then we were married and had our oldest daughter shortly after.  A year later, we had our youngest daughter.

I'll be the first to admit...  These girls came into my life like a whirlwind.  In a matter of 18 months, I was married and had 2 babies...  Crazy!  Honestly - if it wasn't for pictures, I wouldn't remember a thing about their first 2 years.

But let me tell you something about these girls.  They are amazing!

Remember - All I ever wanted was a family.  All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.  Education didn't matter to me, money didn't matter, worldly possessions didn't matter...  Just family - plain and simple.

I am certainly living my dream - no doubt about it.

My entire life revolves around this family...  My husband, my daughters...  Even our dog.

In 2004 - Thanksgiving Day, to be exact...  Josh left for a 12 month deployment to Iraq.  It was the worst year of my life!  I cried every single day...  There I was, alone - raising 2 girls on my own - I had no clue what I was doing, or what I would do with out him if he never came back.  My life became a fog, and the only thing that propelled me forward was the girls.  But the girls and I learned something that year...  My oldest was only six, and my youngest was only five...  But we learned to be independent, we learned that we could survive on our own, and we learned that we were solid together.  That year, brought us so close, and even to this day - my girls are very independent people - who know that they can survive the hardest of times, as long as we have eachother.

Josh made it home safely - exactly one year later - Thanksgiving Day 2005.  It's hard to believe, from one Thanksgiving to the next, I could go from being so distraught, to having my world tilted right again.  The amount of relief that poured out of me the day he landed safely back home is not something I could ever express in words, and I am still grateful every single day for his safe return to us.  I promised God, while he was gone, I would continue to love him every single day for the rest of my life, if he just brought him home to me alive.  I do, and I will.

I've worked so hard to overcome my past, and make my family a "normal" family.  Whatever "normal" is, I have no idea - because my childhood was anything but normal, remember?

I don't expect much from my girls...  I expect them to try their best in every situation.  I expect them to know - with out a doubt - that they are loved every single day.  I have taught them that trust and respect are earned and never just given.  I have taught them that a life filled with laugher and meaning is a wonderful life.  I have taught them that it's OK to laugh AND cry, their feelings and their emotions are their own - and they have to right to them, no matter what they are.  I have taught them that I will never judge them for their feelings, and I will do my very best to understand them in all situations.   Most of all, I always tell them...  "I have no idea what I am doing.  I am not a perfect parent.  I am not always right."  And above and beyond anything else - if I feel I am wrong in any situation, I always apologize.  Because, let me tell you...  There have been many times in my life that my girls have taught me a thing or two about parenting, and I was truly wrong.

But do you know what?  These girls - I am so very lucky to have them!  They are my world, it spins and revolves around them.  They are teens...  They are moving on with their own lives.  As a mom - this is so hard for me to be on that line of "these are MY children" as ownership...  And "these are my children living their own lives" as their own people.  And letting them do that, and letting them make their own mistakes.  It is my instinct to shelter them, and to protect them - it's so hard to stand back and let them learn on their own.  But I must, and I do.

Often times, I am taken back to my own childhood...  And I have to ask myself...  When I was feeling a similar feeling - what did I need at that time?  I relive my memories a lot, and I believe it helps me be a better parent.  There are times when all my girls need is a good cry - and someone to hold them while doing it...  They don't need me to sit there and tell them what to do, they don't need me to judge them, and they don't need me to walk away...  They just need to know that I am there.  And that I love them.

It's pretty easy - ya know.  I feel like I was really fortunate...  Despite how I grew up, and the many homes I lived in.  I still think I was lucky.  Because I had all these homes, I had all of these parents - and I feel like, as a parent myself, I can now pull from my many families and my many situations to come up with the best possible solution I can give my girls.  How many people can do that?  I never thought I would look back on my childhood and consider myself "lucky".

Despite all of the above, I still struggle with my childhood and how people see me.  I like to think I am well respected among my family and my peers.  But I know for a fact, there are people in my life now that look down on me for the way I was raised.  People I once respected and loved.  I cry about it often, and I wonder what I ever did to them to make them not see me for the person I am, rather than the person I was.  But then I realize - it is not my fault.  I cannot change the way I was raised, and if they are going to judge me for something that was beyond my control, well then they don't deserve my respect or my love.  But it still bothers me, and it still makes me wish I was good enough for them, because I know - no matter what I do - I never will be.

Last year, my oldest daughter had to do a project at school...  She had to interview the person in her life that she respected most, and she chose me.  What an honor!  The interview was tough - I had to tell her things about my life that I hoped I could keep locked inside forever, things I never wanted my girls to know.  We both cried - we cried a lot.  I was so afraid that she would also see me for the person I was, and not the person I am...  But I should have known better.  Instead, she told me, she respected me and loved me more.  She tells me always that I am a great mother and she looks up to me...  That, to me, is the greatest honor of all...  To have my girls look at me, and know me, know what I've overcome - and to love me and respect me for the person I am and the person I've become, because I've allowed them to be the amazing people they are.  Some parents will never experience that.  I didn't do anything special...  I've never given them everything they've ever wanted, I've never spoiled them, and I've never tried to buy their love.  I've just been here, every day.

Being a parent, and coming from a background that was difficult - at best, has taught me so many things.  In my life, I only ever wanted to love and be loved.  There is no greater feeling!  I wish the same for my girls.  Watching them grow, and seeing them become these amazing individuals makes me so proud of them. 

I couldn't have wished for a better family or a better outcome to my life.  Again, I am so very lucky!

D~

One day, I will figure out my body...

Well, I am one week in to re-vamping my lifestyle once again. 

Some day, I will figure out my body.

I am feeling good though.

I've successfully journaled all of my food intake on MFP this last week.  I am not sure that I am eating much differently - in fact, I know I am not.  I am not eating any more or less than I was before.  The only real difference is that I've cut out a good portion of my potato intake, and gone back to more veggies.  I do feel like it's making a little bit of a difference.

I've also completed 1 full week of Stage 1 New Rules of Lifting for Women.  This feels really good.  I've kind of sluffed off of my lifting routine as time went on...  And even though I was continuing to lift - I really wasn't making much progress.  So, I really hope it helps to be back on a legitimate routine again.

It's hard to believe that I am coming up on 1 year of weight lifting.  That really boggles my mind.  I am really surprised at the changes my body has made in that time.  I still feel like I have a long way to go - but the progress and confidence I feel is so gratifying.

I continue to do my 30 Day Shred 3x/week also.  I love that this work out is so short - I can work really hard and be done with it very quickly.  As I have said before - this is a key thing for me.

As usual - I just keep pressing on.  There is no going backwards, only forward.  After all, time will pass anyways - might as well make the most of it, right.

D~

Today was weigh-in/measuring day...

As suspected, not much has changed.

Some of my measurements went up, some of them went down and some of them stayed the same.  The changes were so minimal, that it could have just been a slight varaition in where I was holding the tape.  Regardless, I am a bit disappointed.  But I expected it.

My weight went down 1.4 lbs from the last time I weighed - 2 months ago.  Happy it's going in the right direction, but I've lost less than 4 lbs since the end of June - I don't really consider that success.  Not for as hard as I have been working.

As I said, it's time to change up my routine a little bit.

As they say, your diet is worth 80% of your size loss.  Excercise is only 20%.  I have the excercise part down pat - it's the diet I must change.

I started logging my food again in My Fitness Pal yesterday.  I was a little shocked after I added my dinner, I didn't have enough calories left for my normal "dessert"...  So, it's quite possible I am eating more than what I need to be?

But...  Having said that.  Even though I didn't log my food at all for the last 5 weeks before we left for our trip - I know I was eating well below what I should have been during that time - in an effort to really get to a smaller size before our trip.  It didn't work out that well for me.

So, since coming home, I've gone back to eating more like I was prior to that.

Grrr...  I just hate all of this calculating I have to do.  Why in the world does it have to be one big giant math problem - with all of these variables?  Why can't it just be easier?

It seems like, if I don't log my food, I don't lose size at all.

But I don't want to log my food.  I don't want to be chained to this forever.  It's just frustrating to me.

I work hard every single day.

I eat good nutritious whole foods.

My size should just drop off with out me having to constantly police myself.

But it doesn't.

I feel like this is a constant learning experience.  After doing this for 2+ years - I still have NO idea what I am doing, or how to make my body work to my advantage.

Sigh.

So, I guess it's back to journaling my food...  As much as I hate doing it.  Hopefully I will see some better progress the next time I weigh/measure.

D~

I need to make a few changes.

I am feeling a little frustrated with myself these last few days.

I've been working really hard.

I have picked up where I left off before our trip.

And I have reverted to eating Primally.

I feel good.

But I don't feel like I am getting smaller...  I feel like my size is staying the same, I have been this size since about June.  I have not weighed myself in almost 2 months.  I am due to weigh and measure tomorrow, and I am not expecting a gain or a loss...  I am almost certain of this, as there has been no change at all in the way that my clothes fit me...  If  anything - my shorts are a little tighter.  :(

This frustrates me.  So, I've decided to go back to journaling my food in My Fitness Pal.  I hate journaling - almost more than anything else.  I hate that I have to tie myself down, and spend so much time figuring my food intake/building recipes...  It annoys me.  But I need to lock in on why I am spinning my wheels.

I've also decided that I am keeping the 30 Day Shred in my life for a few more weeks.

On top of that, I think I am going to go back to my New Rules of Lifting for Women weight lifting routine.  Which means - I need to start all over at Level 1 - but that's OK.  I feel like I am getting stronger with what I am doing on my own - but I don't feel like I am pushing myself hard enough and I am being a little too relaxed.  I think if I put myself back on a *real* routine - I may be able to push past this.

I am all for losing size slowly, and gaining muscle mass slowly - but with virtually no gains/losses over the last few months, clearly - I need to adjust things.

I also think I need to knock out some of my potato intake - for the time being.  I don't need to cut them out completely, but I was up to nearly 1 per day, and I think that might be too much for now.  So, I am going to try to limit potatoes to only a few per week.

I'd really like to be down another size by the holidays.  And I'd really like to be closer to my goal size by next summer.

D~

Just rambling - as usual.

I've worked out hard this week!

This is my last official full week of "Pennance" from our Disney trip, and it feels good to be done with it.  However - I don't feel like it was as hard as it should have been.

I really love doing the 30 Day Shred, and I've been debating this entire time if it's something I want to keep in my routine or not?  I would love to branch out and try some of the Beachbody programs (like T25 or the 21 day fix) , but to be honest - I am a huge tightwad - and spending that much $$ on something like that really makes me cringe.  Eventually, I will probably have to, but for now, I'll just keep doing what I have available to me, and continue to save up. 

I feel like I am getting stronger, between the heavy weight lifting and the 30DS, I feel like my strength & endurance are improving.

I would really like to see a more dramatic size loss to correspond with my strength gains...  I feel like I have been this size forever, or at least, a lot longer than I should be, considering how hard and consistant I work.  I don't mind slow progress, but it could go a *little* faster. 

I went jeans shopping yesterday...  Now that was interesting for me.  I am down to 3 pairs of jeans that fit...  2 of which are hand-me-downs...  I don't mind hand-me-downs at all, but it would be nice to have one pair of jeans that really fit me well and aren't very expensive.

While I was shopping yesterday, I discovered that Levis no longer fit me...  I am not sure if it's my different body shape?  Or if it's their different cut?  Probably both.  Now they make their jeans with way more stretch than necessary...  and they are so high waisted...  They just look awful on me.  Which is a bummer, because Levis were always my go-to brand.

I also discovered, that in many of the Levis styles, I am a size smaller than I thought.  Most of the 12's were large on me, even with the added stretch, I could have easily gone down to 10's and still felt comfortable, but I was too lazy to go out and exchange sizes to try on.  It made me feel good though.  I am not sure I ever remember being a size 10?

For that matter... I don't feel like I am a size 12 (or 10 - whatever I am).  When I look in the mirror - I still see what I saw months ago...  Which is a huge barrier I really need to get past.  In the process of losing size, you dream of what you want to look like, but at the same time, you still see who you once were - and sometimes it's really hard to see progress or not have a distorted view of yourself.  I struggle with this daily. 

I hope all of you have a nice weekend, and enjoy the fall weather out there.  :)

D~

Finding my way again.

The girls and I have been home from Disney for a little over 2 weeks.  I was really nervous about this trip - both about the food I was going to be consuming while I was there, and about how I was going to find my path again when I got home.

Mentally - I prepared as best as I could before we left.  I looked over menus.  I made lists of foods I planned to eat.  I made lists of foods I knew I loved from previous trips - regardless if they fit into my Primal way of eating or not.  And, of course, then there were the things that I just ate because they appealed to me in that moment.

As my vacation progressed, I turned down fewer and fewer items...

Now, I don't want anyone to think that I threw my arms up and gave up for the duration of our trip... I did try to eat as close to Primal as I could in every situation.  For every meal, I ordered the most Primal looking meal I could order... To be honest - it was the desserts that set me off track. We were on the Disney Dining Plan - so, you get a dessert for Every. Single. Meal.

And my body could feel it.  Even looking at our vacation pictures - The longer we were there, the thicker my waist became.  By our last day, I knew I was carrying around excess water weight, because I felt like I was walking on balloons.

Then we came home.  I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to find my way back.  But I felt awful, and I knew if I went back to eating primally, I would feel better almost immediately.

Even though this trip was a huge focus for me for so long...  I knew when I left, I still had goals I wanted to reach, and darn it - I was going to reach them! 

If you are anything like me, you work so hard "to look great for the trip" - that you forget about what you are going to do when you get home - if you even care to continue on at that point. I've been there, I've done that - numerous times.

So, we came home - and immediately I was back to eating in a Primal way.

I am not perfect - not by any means.  But I try hard.

I've worked so hard, mentally, to get myself away from that "diet" mentality.  This way of eating isn't something I plan to give up once I reach my "goal"...  I truly enjoy eating this food, and I am much more satisfied.  Besides, I never realized how horrible processed food tasted until I stopped eating it.

So, here I am...  2+ weeks after we've returned from our trip...  Fully enjoying my Primal ways again.  Any and all bloat I experienced from the trip is long gone.  I'd like to think I am back on my way of losing size - but regardless - I feel great, so that's what matters most to me.  The size loss is just an added benefit of everything else.

I love, as the days go on, I am much more confident, healthier, stronger and happier... 

I am thrilled that I have found my life again..  I can enjoy it - and the people I love can enjoy being with me!

Just another day...

Today is a heavy lifting day for me...

My weekly schedule usually looks a little like this...  M/W/F I do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - I alternate the levels every day, so essentially I do each level once per week.  Tu/Th are my heavy weight lifting days and sometimes I will sneak in an ab floor routine these days, as well.  Fridays are my "optional" workout days and weekends are always off - no exceptions!  I do try to take a week off of weight lifting approx once every 6 weeks take or give - this usually works out pretty well for me, as I try to time it during a time when we are away from home.  Occasionally, I will take a nice walk with my neighbor - if I feel like it.

I started out weight lifting by reading the book New Rules of Lifting For Women - an excellent starter book - with so much more information than just lifting stuff.  This book really was a gateway for me to learn how to eat to fuel my body - rather than pointless eating and snacking.  It opened my eyes to a whole new world of caring for myself, rather than my continuous fallback of "losing weight"...  There is so much more to it than that.  It's a wondeful read - even if you never have any interest in lifting weights.

Even though I only worked through stage 3 of the NROLFW - the book gave me a nice base layer to work from.  In all honesty, the lifting routines became too long for me, and I knew I would completely give up lifting all together if I didn't find a shorter routine to follow.

So, I kind of went off on my own at that point.  I do many lifts...  Squats, shoulder presses, bicep curls, bench presses.  I used to do dead lifts too - but I injured my back doing those in June - and I am too chicken to try them again.  I know I need to - and I will, but not just yet.

The key to all of my workouts - whether it's a lifting day or a JM day - I need to devote as little time as possble to it.  Weird, I know.  But it's important to me - I am a huge procrastinator - HUGE...  And I can talk myself out of just about anything at any time.  So, my routines must be done in the morning - before I can go to work...  and they must be no longer than 30 minutes.  I have seriously fallen off the wagon completely - for months at a time - even years by doing "Chronic Cardio" and burning out.  I refuse to do that to myself this time. So, again, I had to find something that worked for me.  Another reason why I insist on my strict days off.  It's important.

If I lose size slower because I only work out 30 minutes per day/4 days per week - than so be it.  But I will still be here making my body stronger next year, vs. sitting on the couch, eating potato chips and giving up because I couldn't keep up with myself.

This was a huge road block for me - and finding something that worked with me, rather than worked against me was hugely important to my success.

I encourage anyone and everyone to find what works for them.  It may be what I do, it may not be what I do - but if it works for you - then that's your key to success. 

D~

My journey so far...

I've been wanting a place to write about my journey for a while now...  I share my progress pictures with family and friends, and the response I get is overwhelming... So many people out there struggle with their size and body image...  If my story helps or inspires anyone, then it's worth it for me to sit here and type it all up.

I am not sure where to start?  I feel like I am so far into my journey, to start at the beginning would take too long, I wish I would have started a blog when I first began...  But  I was afraid I wouldn't be successful and it would have been embarassing for me to have the world watch me fail.  So, I didn't start anything...  Now I regret that decision.  Those thoughts and feelings are things that I rarely have anymore, and it's hard to go back and imagine my life the way it used to be.  Everything is so different now.

I first started this journey in March of 2012.  My turning point...  I had just taken my two teen-age daughters to Walt Disney World, and discovered - not only could I not keep up, but at the age of 37 - I had aches and pains of a person twice my age.  I knew, at that point, something had to change - and it had to be me who did it.

Time and time again, throughout my adult life, I've tried to "lose weight"... 

It started in my late teens - the first diet I ever went on after hearing about it on Oprah...  Covert Bailey's Fit or Fat...  Yup - keep that heart rate up for 45 minutes plus daily and if you really wanted to lose - never eat more than 10 grams of fat per day!  So, time and time again - I turned to Covert's book - and lived off of licorice (0 grams of fat!) and diet soda for months at a time...  Sigh.  I was desperate...  If only I knew then what I know now.  That extreme low fat diet probably led to some of the health issues I was experiencing later in life.

It wasn't until several years later, I found Weight Watchers...  Now there's a diet!  Even I will admit - it's better than the Fit or Fat diet I was living off of.  Weight Watches worked for me several times.  Yes, I did say "several"...  I'd lose it, gain it back, lose it again, gain it back...  It was a vicious cycle.  One that I couldn't seem to get past.  I would get so frustrated with myself, because no matter how hard I tried - I just couldn't maintian my weight loss.  Again, if I would have known then, what I know now...

All of this losing and gaining really messed me up...  Physically and mentally.  My self esteem was so low, and I had no confidence whatsoever.

It was so bad, when I started my most recent journey in March of 2012 - I didn't tell anyone - except for a few select online friends.  I wanted as few people as possible to know I had failed again, when that time came.  So, it was a secret.

I started off (again) loosely following Weight Watchers...  Good ol' Conventional Wisdom.  I stocked up on salads, salad dressings, boneless skinless chicken breasts, water...  All stuff that I really hate to eat.  Of course - I also started excercising...  Every. Single. Day.  UGH!  You see where this is going right?  Um -yah...  Get ready for me to fail again.

And I did.  By August - I was totally burned out...  Like, one day, I was excercising and doing it all perfectly...  And the next day, I was done.  Bring on the Doritos...  The Cinnamon Life cereal...  Garlic bread...  FOOD - I loved food soooo much.  And excercise?  Hmph...  Nope - I was too busy.  And that was the end of that.  Or so I thought.

Halloween came and went...  Christmas came and went...  New Years came and went.  And there I was, packing it all on again.  Sigh.  This vicious circle...  I just knew it would follow me forever...  I was defeated.  Totally defeated.

As I would sit on the couch and watch TV every night...  Something continued to nag me...  Something I had read months previous...  Mark's Daily Apple...  It didn't nag me enough to make me change anything - but somewhere in the back of my mind - my brain was chewing on his information.

My body, on the other hand, was slowly giving up...  Night after night of constant acid reflux.  Day after day of headaches.  Aches and pains that belonged to a body twice my age.  Barely being able to haul my body up and down stairs.  Gallbladder attacks on almost a daily basis.  Adult cystic acne.  Poor sleep.  Not to mention - the dreaded "chest pains"...  Which prompted a trip to the Dr - something I'd been avoiding for a long time.  The Dr. issued a Sleep Study test...  Upon going to that sleep study test - the nurse running it told me the most common cause of sleep apnea...  Excess weight.  Hmmm...  I laid there that night, with wires coming out of my head, afraid to fall asleep, because I was afraid of what the test might show...

A few weeks later, I went in to have my gallbladder removed.  My recovery from that surgery should have been simple, but I am convinced it was the poor condition of my body which made my recovery an awful one.  It was at that point, laying in my recliner - I knew, this was it.  Either I had to change, or my life would be a miserable one.

It was so hard to face that.  Knowing I had so far to go, and no idea how I was going to do it.  But I just had to do something, I didn't have a choice anymore.

I honestly don't even remember what I did to start.  Isn't that awful?  Something that is so important now, and I just can't remember.

I know, one of the first things I did was to give up soda...  That was probably one of the hardest things, because I detest water - with a passion.  I knew, if I was going to be successful at giving up soda - I had to find something to replace it.  Which meant - I had to figure out why I loved it so much...  So, I spent days analyzing my soda addiction...  Aside from the taste...  I loved the carbonation and I loved the ease of being able to go to the fridge and grab one.  So, what in the world was I going to replace this with?  I started my search, walking the aisles of the grocery store...  Picking up product after product, reading the ingredient list, and puting it back down.  Now, I wasn't far in this journey at all - but I just knew that artificial products were not good for me - so it was my goal to avoid them completely.  Finally - any ideas what I settled on?  Seltzer water...  Water + carbonation...  I could buy it in 20oz bottles... Perfect!  On the days when I needed flavor - I always had a lemon or lime to squeeze in.  It worked perfectly.  I've had less than 2 cans of soda since that day, I don't crave it any more, and to be quite honest - I think it tastes awful.

I started doing this with many things in my life that I loved...  Trying to find replacements that were natural, and most importantly - things that I loved more.

You see where this is going right?

Eventually, I found my way to Mark's Daily Apple again...  And this time, when I read  it - it made sense.  Not only did it make sense - but I was already half-way there.  I had given up most processed foods on my own...  There were only 2 more items...  The remaining grains and sugars that I hadn't already given up.

This was such an eye opening experience for me...  The last few nagging ailments disappeared within days...  Gone were my poor sleep and adult cystic acne...

It wasn't long before I found heavy weight lifting too...  Seriously - it's changed the shape of my body, and built my confidence in ways I couldn't possibly imagine!

I knew this:  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  This time...  I am doing this MY way...  I am finding what works for me, and I don't really care if it's off the beaten path, or if it doesn't work for anyone else, or if others don't like it.  This is ME, this is MY body, and it's my obligation to do what I need to do to make it into the most healthy and efficient body that I can make it.

I still have a long way to go.  I still have a desire to get to a smaller size...  I still have a desire to change the composition of my body.  But I have time...  I have my whole life - God willing - ahead of me, this is not a race, this is my life.  I have learned that there is NOTHING I cannot do, as long as I do it my way and I find what truly works for me. 

D~