Today was weigh-in/measuring day...

As suspected, not much has changed.

Some of my measurements went up, some of them went down and some of them stayed the same.  The changes were so minimal, that it could have just been a slight varaition in where I was holding the tape.  Regardless, I am a bit disappointed.  But I expected it.

My weight went down 1.4 lbs from the last time I weighed - 2 months ago.  Happy it's going in the right direction, but I've lost less than 4 lbs since the end of June - I don't really consider that success.  Not for as hard as I have been working.

As I said, it's time to change up my routine a little bit.

As they say, your diet is worth 80% of your size loss.  Excercise is only 20%.  I have the excercise part down pat - it's the diet I must change.

I started logging my food again in My Fitness Pal yesterday.  I was a little shocked after I added my dinner, I didn't have enough calories left for my normal "dessert"...  So, it's quite possible I am eating more than what I need to be?

But...  Having said that.  Even though I didn't log my food at all for the last 5 weeks before we left for our trip - I know I was eating well below what I should have been during that time - in an effort to really get to a smaller size before our trip.  It didn't work out that well for me.

So, since coming home, I've gone back to eating more like I was prior to that.

Grrr...  I just hate all of this calculating I have to do.  Why in the world does it have to be one big giant math problem - with all of these variables?  Why can't it just be easier?

It seems like, if I don't log my food, I don't lose size at all.

But I don't want to log my food.  I don't want to be chained to this forever.  It's just frustrating to me.

I work hard every single day.

I eat good nutritious whole foods.

My size should just drop off with out me having to constantly police myself.

But it doesn't.

I feel like this is a constant learning experience.  After doing this for 2+ years - I still have NO idea what I am doing, or how to make my body work to my advantage.

Sigh.

So, I guess it's back to journaling my food...  As much as I hate doing it.  Hopefully I will see some better progress the next time I weigh/measure.

D~

I need to make a few changes.

I am feeling a little frustrated with myself these last few days.

I've been working really hard.

I have picked up where I left off before our trip.

And I have reverted to eating Primally.

I feel good.

But I don't feel like I am getting smaller...  I feel like my size is staying the same, I have been this size since about June.  I have not weighed myself in almost 2 months.  I am due to weigh and measure tomorrow, and I am not expecting a gain or a loss...  I am almost certain of this, as there has been no change at all in the way that my clothes fit me...  If  anything - my shorts are a little tighter.  :(

This frustrates me.  So, I've decided to go back to journaling my food in My Fitness Pal.  I hate journaling - almost more than anything else.  I hate that I have to tie myself down, and spend so much time figuring my food intake/building recipes...  It annoys me.  But I need to lock in on why I am spinning my wheels.

I've also decided that I am keeping the 30 Day Shred in my life for a few more weeks.

On top of that, I think I am going to go back to my New Rules of Lifting for Women weight lifting routine.  Which means - I need to start all over at Level 1 - but that's OK.  I feel like I am getting stronger with what I am doing on my own - but I don't feel like I am pushing myself hard enough and I am being a little too relaxed.  I think if I put myself back on a *real* routine - I may be able to push past this.

I am all for losing size slowly, and gaining muscle mass slowly - but with virtually no gains/losses over the last few months, clearly - I need to adjust things.

I also think I need to knock out some of my potato intake - for the time being.  I don't need to cut them out completely, but I was up to nearly 1 per day, and I think that might be too much for now.  So, I am going to try to limit potatoes to only a few per week.

I'd really like to be down another size by the holidays.  And I'd really like to be closer to my goal size by next summer.

D~

Just rambling - as usual.

I've worked out hard this week!

This is my last official full week of "Pennance" from our Disney trip, and it feels good to be done with it.  However - I don't feel like it was as hard as it should have been.

I really love doing the 30 Day Shred, and I've been debating this entire time if it's something I want to keep in my routine or not?  I would love to branch out and try some of the Beachbody programs (like T25 or the 21 day fix) , but to be honest - I am a huge tightwad - and spending that much $$ on something like that really makes me cringe.  Eventually, I will probably have to, but for now, I'll just keep doing what I have available to me, and continue to save up. 

I feel like I am getting stronger, between the heavy weight lifting and the 30DS, I feel like my strength & endurance are improving.

I would really like to see a more dramatic size loss to correspond with my strength gains...  I feel like I have been this size forever, or at least, a lot longer than I should be, considering how hard and consistant I work.  I don't mind slow progress, but it could go a *little* faster. 

I went jeans shopping yesterday...  Now that was interesting for me.  I am down to 3 pairs of jeans that fit...  2 of which are hand-me-downs...  I don't mind hand-me-downs at all, but it would be nice to have one pair of jeans that really fit me well and aren't very expensive.

While I was shopping yesterday, I discovered that Levis no longer fit me...  I am not sure if it's my different body shape?  Or if it's their different cut?  Probably both.  Now they make their jeans with way more stretch than necessary...  and they are so high waisted...  They just look awful on me.  Which is a bummer, because Levis were always my go-to brand.

I also discovered, that in many of the Levis styles, I am a size smaller than I thought.  Most of the 12's were large on me, even with the added stretch, I could have easily gone down to 10's and still felt comfortable, but I was too lazy to go out and exchange sizes to try on.  It made me feel good though.  I am not sure I ever remember being a size 10?

For that matter... I don't feel like I am a size 12 (or 10 - whatever I am).  When I look in the mirror - I still see what I saw months ago...  Which is a huge barrier I really need to get past.  In the process of losing size, you dream of what you want to look like, but at the same time, you still see who you once were - and sometimes it's really hard to see progress or not have a distorted view of yourself.  I struggle with this daily. 

I hope all of you have a nice weekend, and enjoy the fall weather out there.  :)

D~

Finding my way again.

The girls and I have been home from Disney for a little over 2 weeks.  I was really nervous about this trip - both about the food I was going to be consuming while I was there, and about how I was going to find my path again when I got home.

Mentally - I prepared as best as I could before we left.  I looked over menus.  I made lists of foods I planned to eat.  I made lists of foods I knew I loved from previous trips - regardless if they fit into my Primal way of eating or not.  And, of course, then there were the things that I just ate because they appealed to me in that moment.

As my vacation progressed, I turned down fewer and fewer items...

Now, I don't want anyone to think that I threw my arms up and gave up for the duration of our trip... I did try to eat as close to Primal as I could in every situation.  For every meal, I ordered the most Primal looking meal I could order... To be honest - it was the desserts that set me off track. We were on the Disney Dining Plan - so, you get a dessert for Every. Single. Meal.

And my body could feel it.  Even looking at our vacation pictures - The longer we were there, the thicker my waist became.  By our last day, I knew I was carrying around excess water weight, because I felt like I was walking on balloons.

Then we came home.  I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to find my way back.  But I felt awful, and I knew if I went back to eating primally, I would feel better almost immediately.

Even though this trip was a huge focus for me for so long...  I knew when I left, I still had goals I wanted to reach, and darn it - I was going to reach them! 

If you are anything like me, you work so hard "to look great for the trip" - that you forget about what you are going to do when you get home - if you even care to continue on at that point. I've been there, I've done that - numerous times.

So, we came home - and immediately I was back to eating in a Primal way.

I am not perfect - not by any means.  But I try hard.

I've worked so hard, mentally, to get myself away from that "diet" mentality.  This way of eating isn't something I plan to give up once I reach my "goal"...  I truly enjoy eating this food, and I am much more satisfied.  Besides, I never realized how horrible processed food tasted until I stopped eating it.

So, here I am...  2+ weeks after we've returned from our trip...  Fully enjoying my Primal ways again.  Any and all bloat I experienced from the trip is long gone.  I'd like to think I am back on my way of losing size - but regardless - I feel great, so that's what matters most to me.  The size loss is just an added benefit of everything else.

I love, as the days go on, I am much more confident, healthier, stronger and happier... 

I am thrilled that I have found my life again..  I can enjoy it - and the people I love can enjoy being with me!

Just another day...

Today is a heavy lifting day for me...

My weekly schedule usually looks a little like this...  M/W/F I do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - I alternate the levels every day, so essentially I do each level once per week.  Tu/Th are my heavy weight lifting days and sometimes I will sneak in an ab floor routine these days, as well.  Fridays are my "optional" workout days and weekends are always off - no exceptions!  I do try to take a week off of weight lifting approx once every 6 weeks take or give - this usually works out pretty well for me, as I try to time it during a time when we are away from home.  Occasionally, I will take a nice walk with my neighbor - if I feel like it.

I started out weight lifting by reading the book New Rules of Lifting For Women - an excellent starter book - with so much more information than just lifting stuff.  This book really was a gateway for me to learn how to eat to fuel my body - rather than pointless eating and snacking.  It opened my eyes to a whole new world of caring for myself, rather than my continuous fallback of "losing weight"...  There is so much more to it than that.  It's a wondeful read - even if you never have any interest in lifting weights.

Even though I only worked through stage 3 of the NROLFW - the book gave me a nice base layer to work from.  In all honesty, the lifting routines became too long for me, and I knew I would completely give up lifting all together if I didn't find a shorter routine to follow.

So, I kind of went off on my own at that point.  I do many lifts...  Squats, shoulder presses, bicep curls, bench presses.  I used to do dead lifts too - but I injured my back doing those in June - and I am too chicken to try them again.  I know I need to - and I will, but not just yet.

The key to all of my workouts - whether it's a lifting day or a JM day - I need to devote as little time as possble to it.  Weird, I know.  But it's important to me - I am a huge procrastinator - HUGE...  And I can talk myself out of just about anything at any time.  So, my routines must be done in the morning - before I can go to work...  and they must be no longer than 30 minutes.  I have seriously fallen off the wagon completely - for months at a time - even years by doing "Chronic Cardio" and burning out.  I refuse to do that to myself this time. So, again, I had to find something that worked for me.  Another reason why I insist on my strict days off.  It's important.

If I lose size slower because I only work out 30 minutes per day/4 days per week - than so be it.  But I will still be here making my body stronger next year, vs. sitting on the couch, eating potato chips and giving up because I couldn't keep up with myself.

This was a huge road block for me - and finding something that worked with me, rather than worked against me was hugely important to my success.

I encourage anyone and everyone to find what works for them.  It may be what I do, it may not be what I do - but if it works for you - then that's your key to success. 

D~

My journey so far...

I've been wanting a place to write about my journey for a while now...  I share my progress pictures with family and friends, and the response I get is overwhelming... So many people out there struggle with their size and body image...  If my story helps or inspires anyone, then it's worth it for me to sit here and type it all up.

I am not sure where to start?  I feel like I am so far into my journey, to start at the beginning would take too long, I wish I would have started a blog when I first began...  But  I was afraid I wouldn't be successful and it would have been embarassing for me to have the world watch me fail.  So, I didn't start anything...  Now I regret that decision.  Those thoughts and feelings are things that I rarely have anymore, and it's hard to go back and imagine my life the way it used to be.  Everything is so different now.

I first started this journey in March of 2012.  My turning point...  I had just taken my two teen-age daughters to Walt Disney World, and discovered - not only could I not keep up, but at the age of 37 - I had aches and pains of a person twice my age.  I knew, at that point, something had to change - and it had to be me who did it.

Time and time again, throughout my adult life, I've tried to "lose weight"... 

It started in my late teens - the first diet I ever went on after hearing about it on Oprah...  Covert Bailey's Fit or Fat...  Yup - keep that heart rate up for 45 minutes plus daily and if you really wanted to lose - never eat more than 10 grams of fat per day!  So, time and time again - I turned to Covert's book - and lived off of licorice (0 grams of fat!) and diet soda for months at a time...  Sigh.  I was desperate...  If only I knew then what I know now.  That extreme low fat diet probably led to some of the health issues I was experiencing later in life.

It wasn't until several years later, I found Weight Watchers...  Now there's a diet!  Even I will admit - it's better than the Fit or Fat diet I was living off of.  Weight Watches worked for me several times.  Yes, I did say "several"...  I'd lose it, gain it back, lose it again, gain it back...  It was a vicious cycle.  One that I couldn't seem to get past.  I would get so frustrated with myself, because no matter how hard I tried - I just couldn't maintian my weight loss.  Again, if I would have known then, what I know now...

All of this losing and gaining really messed me up...  Physically and mentally.  My self esteem was so low, and I had no confidence whatsoever.

It was so bad, when I started my most recent journey in March of 2012 - I didn't tell anyone - except for a few select online friends.  I wanted as few people as possible to know I had failed again, when that time came.  So, it was a secret.

I started off (again) loosely following Weight Watchers...  Good ol' Conventional Wisdom.  I stocked up on salads, salad dressings, boneless skinless chicken breasts, water...  All stuff that I really hate to eat.  Of course - I also started excercising...  Every. Single. Day.  UGH!  You see where this is going right?  Um -yah...  Get ready for me to fail again.

And I did.  By August - I was totally burned out...  Like, one day, I was excercising and doing it all perfectly...  And the next day, I was done.  Bring on the Doritos...  The Cinnamon Life cereal...  Garlic bread...  FOOD - I loved food soooo much.  And excercise?  Hmph...  Nope - I was too busy.  And that was the end of that.  Or so I thought.

Halloween came and went...  Christmas came and went...  New Years came and went.  And there I was, packing it all on again.  Sigh.  This vicious circle...  I just knew it would follow me forever...  I was defeated.  Totally defeated.

As I would sit on the couch and watch TV every night...  Something continued to nag me...  Something I had read months previous...  Mark's Daily Apple...  It didn't nag me enough to make me change anything - but somewhere in the back of my mind - my brain was chewing on his information.

My body, on the other hand, was slowly giving up...  Night after night of constant acid reflux.  Day after day of headaches.  Aches and pains that belonged to a body twice my age.  Barely being able to haul my body up and down stairs.  Gallbladder attacks on almost a daily basis.  Adult cystic acne.  Poor sleep.  Not to mention - the dreaded "chest pains"...  Which prompted a trip to the Dr - something I'd been avoiding for a long time.  The Dr. issued a Sleep Study test...  Upon going to that sleep study test - the nurse running it told me the most common cause of sleep apnea...  Excess weight.  Hmmm...  I laid there that night, with wires coming out of my head, afraid to fall asleep, because I was afraid of what the test might show...

A few weeks later, I went in to have my gallbladder removed.  My recovery from that surgery should have been simple, but I am convinced it was the poor condition of my body which made my recovery an awful one.  It was at that point, laying in my recliner - I knew, this was it.  Either I had to change, or my life would be a miserable one.

It was so hard to face that.  Knowing I had so far to go, and no idea how I was going to do it.  But I just had to do something, I didn't have a choice anymore.

I honestly don't even remember what I did to start.  Isn't that awful?  Something that is so important now, and I just can't remember.

I know, one of the first things I did was to give up soda...  That was probably one of the hardest things, because I detest water - with a passion.  I knew, if I was going to be successful at giving up soda - I had to find something to replace it.  Which meant - I had to figure out why I loved it so much...  So, I spent days analyzing my soda addiction...  Aside from the taste...  I loved the carbonation and I loved the ease of being able to go to the fridge and grab one.  So, what in the world was I going to replace this with?  I started my search, walking the aisles of the grocery store...  Picking up product after product, reading the ingredient list, and puting it back down.  Now, I wasn't far in this journey at all - but I just knew that artificial products were not good for me - so it was my goal to avoid them completely.  Finally - any ideas what I settled on?  Seltzer water...  Water + carbonation...  I could buy it in 20oz bottles... Perfect!  On the days when I needed flavor - I always had a lemon or lime to squeeze in.  It worked perfectly.  I've had less than 2 cans of soda since that day, I don't crave it any more, and to be quite honest - I think it tastes awful.

I started doing this with many things in my life that I loved...  Trying to find replacements that were natural, and most importantly - things that I loved more.

You see where this is going right?

Eventually, I found my way to Mark's Daily Apple again...  And this time, when I read  it - it made sense.  Not only did it make sense - but I was already half-way there.  I had given up most processed foods on my own...  There were only 2 more items...  The remaining grains and sugars that I hadn't already given up.

This was such an eye opening experience for me...  The last few nagging ailments disappeared within days...  Gone were my poor sleep and adult cystic acne...

It wasn't long before I found heavy weight lifting too...  Seriously - it's changed the shape of my body, and built my confidence in ways I couldn't possibly imagine!

I knew this:  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  This time...  I am doing this MY way...  I am finding what works for me, and I don't really care if it's off the beaten path, or if it doesn't work for anyone else, or if others don't like it.  This is ME, this is MY body, and it's my obligation to do what I need to do to make it into the most healthy and efficient body that I can make it.

I still have a long way to go.  I still have a desire to get to a smaller size...  I still have a desire to change the composition of my body.  But I have time...  I have my whole life - God willing - ahead of me, this is not a race, this is my life.  I have learned that there is NOTHING I cannot do, as long as I do it my way and I find what truly works for me. 

D~