My journey so far...

I've been wanting a place to write about my journey for a while now...  I share my progress pictures with family and friends, and the response I get is overwhelming... So many people out there struggle with their size and body image...  If my story helps or inspires anyone, then it's worth it for me to sit here and type it all up.

I am not sure where to start?  I feel like I am so far into my journey, to start at the beginning would take too long, I wish I would have started a blog when I first began...  But  I was afraid I wouldn't be successful and it would have been embarassing for me to have the world watch me fail.  So, I didn't start anything...  Now I regret that decision.  Those thoughts and feelings are things that I rarely have anymore, and it's hard to go back and imagine my life the way it used to be.  Everything is so different now.

I first started this journey in March of 2012.  My turning point...  I had just taken my two teen-age daughters to Walt Disney World, and discovered - not only could I not keep up, but at the age of 37 - I had aches and pains of a person twice my age.  I knew, at that point, something had to change - and it had to be me who did it.

Time and time again, throughout my adult life, I've tried to "lose weight"... 

It started in my late teens - the first diet I ever went on after hearing about it on Oprah...  Covert Bailey's Fit or Fat...  Yup - keep that heart rate up for 45 minutes plus daily and if you really wanted to lose - never eat more than 10 grams of fat per day!  So, time and time again - I turned to Covert's book - and lived off of licorice (0 grams of fat!) and diet soda for months at a time...  Sigh.  I was desperate...  If only I knew then what I know now.  That extreme low fat diet probably led to some of the health issues I was experiencing later in life.

It wasn't until several years later, I found Weight Watchers...  Now there's a diet!  Even I will admit - it's better than the Fit or Fat diet I was living off of.  Weight Watches worked for me several times.  Yes, I did say "several"...  I'd lose it, gain it back, lose it again, gain it back...  It was a vicious cycle.  One that I couldn't seem to get past.  I would get so frustrated with myself, because no matter how hard I tried - I just couldn't maintian my weight loss.  Again, if I would have known then, what I know now...

All of this losing and gaining really messed me up...  Physically and mentally.  My self esteem was so low, and I had no confidence whatsoever.

It was so bad, when I started my most recent journey in March of 2012 - I didn't tell anyone - except for a few select online friends.  I wanted as few people as possible to know I had failed again, when that time came.  So, it was a secret.

I started off (again) loosely following Weight Watchers...  Good ol' Conventional Wisdom.  I stocked up on salads, salad dressings, boneless skinless chicken breasts, water...  All stuff that I really hate to eat.  Of course - I also started excercising...  Every. Single. Day.  UGH!  You see where this is going right?  Um -yah...  Get ready for me to fail again.

And I did.  By August - I was totally burned out...  Like, one day, I was excercising and doing it all perfectly...  And the next day, I was done.  Bring on the Doritos...  The Cinnamon Life cereal...  Garlic bread...  FOOD - I loved food soooo much.  And excercise?  Hmph...  Nope - I was too busy.  And that was the end of that.  Or so I thought.

Halloween came and went...  Christmas came and went...  New Years came and went.  And there I was, packing it all on again.  Sigh.  This vicious circle...  I just knew it would follow me forever...  I was defeated.  Totally defeated.

As I would sit on the couch and watch TV every night...  Something continued to nag me...  Something I had read months previous...  Mark's Daily Apple...  It didn't nag me enough to make me change anything - but somewhere in the back of my mind - my brain was chewing on his information.

My body, on the other hand, was slowly giving up...  Night after night of constant acid reflux.  Day after day of headaches.  Aches and pains that belonged to a body twice my age.  Barely being able to haul my body up and down stairs.  Gallbladder attacks on almost a daily basis.  Adult cystic acne.  Poor sleep.  Not to mention - the dreaded "chest pains"...  Which prompted a trip to the Dr - something I'd been avoiding for a long time.  The Dr. issued a Sleep Study test...  Upon going to that sleep study test - the nurse running it told me the most common cause of sleep apnea...  Excess weight.  Hmmm...  I laid there that night, with wires coming out of my head, afraid to fall asleep, because I was afraid of what the test might show...

A few weeks later, I went in to have my gallbladder removed.  My recovery from that surgery should have been simple, but I am convinced it was the poor condition of my body which made my recovery an awful one.  It was at that point, laying in my recliner - I knew, this was it.  Either I had to change, or my life would be a miserable one.

It was so hard to face that.  Knowing I had so far to go, and no idea how I was going to do it.  But I just had to do something, I didn't have a choice anymore.

I honestly don't even remember what I did to start.  Isn't that awful?  Something that is so important now, and I just can't remember.

I know, one of the first things I did was to give up soda...  That was probably one of the hardest things, because I detest water - with a passion.  I knew, if I was going to be successful at giving up soda - I had to find something to replace it.  Which meant - I had to figure out why I loved it so much...  So, I spent days analyzing my soda addiction...  Aside from the taste...  I loved the carbonation and I loved the ease of being able to go to the fridge and grab one.  So, what in the world was I going to replace this with?  I started my search, walking the aisles of the grocery store...  Picking up product after product, reading the ingredient list, and puting it back down.  Now, I wasn't far in this journey at all - but I just knew that artificial products were not good for me - so it was my goal to avoid them completely.  Finally - any ideas what I settled on?  Seltzer water...  Water + carbonation...  I could buy it in 20oz bottles... Perfect!  On the days when I needed flavor - I always had a lemon or lime to squeeze in.  It worked perfectly.  I've had less than 2 cans of soda since that day, I don't crave it any more, and to be quite honest - I think it tastes awful.

I started doing this with many things in my life that I loved...  Trying to find replacements that were natural, and most importantly - things that I loved more.

You see where this is going right?

Eventually, I found my way to Mark's Daily Apple again...  And this time, when I read  it - it made sense.  Not only did it make sense - but I was already half-way there.  I had given up most processed foods on my own...  There were only 2 more items...  The remaining grains and sugars that I hadn't already given up.

This was such an eye opening experience for me...  The last few nagging ailments disappeared within days...  Gone were my poor sleep and adult cystic acne...

It wasn't long before I found heavy weight lifting too...  Seriously - it's changed the shape of my body, and built my confidence in ways I couldn't possibly imagine!

I knew this:  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  This time...  I am doing this MY way...  I am finding what works for me, and I don't really care if it's off the beaten path, or if it doesn't work for anyone else, or if others don't like it.  This is ME, this is MY body, and it's my obligation to do what I need to do to make it into the most healthy and efficient body that I can make it.

I still have a long way to go.  I still have a desire to get to a smaller size...  I still have a desire to change the composition of my body.  But I have time...  I have my whole life - God willing - ahead of me, this is not a race, this is my life.  I have learned that there is NOTHING I cannot do, as long as I do it my way and I find what truly works for me. 

D~