As an adult, I struggle a lot with how people see me. Not necessarily in a physical sense, but how they see me as a person. This probably doesn't relate to my Primal journey at all... but it does relate to me, in a big way.
My childhood is something I rarely talk about, yet it haunts me every day of my life... It follows in my shadow, and as much as I'd like to forget it, I know I never will.
I was never abused. I was never mistreated. And I was loved by every single person in my life - no matter who they were or what their purpose was for being there for me.
You see... As long as I can remember, and as far back as I can remember - I was raised knowing my mom was going to die. It was a fact. No one knew when it was going to happen, but it was going to happen. She was very sick. I don't remember a time in my life where I felt safe in the fact that the people I loved would always be there for me, because I knew they would leave, and I knew my mom was going to die.
As a little girl - when my mom was still well enough - I used to sleep with my parents... Right in the middle... I remember having nightmares that my mom had died right next to me, I would wake in the middle of the night and try to wake her up, and she always woke... My nightmare was that one day she wouldn't wake. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5.
Growing up, going to Catholic school, we went to church every single morning... At the family church. Every morning - I would sit in that church and imagine her casket at the front. And I would cry. Every day. God understands why I hate going to church. I don't fear Him, or my faith... I fear the memories.
The older I grew, the sicker my Mom became. It wasn't long before she was no longer able to care for me, and my Dad had to care for her.
So, my bags were packed, and off I went to live with relatives. Wonderful relatives. People that loved me and made me a part of their family.
But I wasn't an easy kid... More than anything - I just wanted MY family. I wanted my parents, I wanted my brother. I didn't understand why that would never be.
I moved back and forth a lot... One family to the next, back home and eventually a couple of foster-homes and group homes. All of these people loved me - I may not have seen it then - but I know it without a doubt now. So many people took care of me, guided me, and did their best to make sure I was well taken care of.
When I was 16, my mom finally died. And it spiraled my life out of control. My entire life was me being prepared for her death, but when it finally happened - I was not prepared at all. I had spent my life running from her, and being afraid to know her - because I knew she was going to die. So many words left unsaid. In my head, I thought her death would hurt less if I didn't know her. How wrong I was. It's been almost 23 years since her death - and I still grasp at any memory I can get of her, and any stories anyone can tell me of the woman I loved more than anything - yet I was too afraid to know.
Most children grow up wanting to be a Doctor or a Lawyer... Not me. My one and only dream was to be loved by someone and have a family. That's it. I didn't care about money (I still don't), I didn't care about all the worldly possessions I could attain... None of that was important - not at all.
Being in so many schools still affects me as an adult... 15 schools in 12 years. Not so much my intelligence, but in social situations... I hate walking into big crowds of people, where I am the stranger among them. I will avoid those situations whenever possible. Another reason I hate going to church.
Awesome life story - huh?
Really - I am leaving out so much. To blog about it all would bore you to death.
But then I met my husband... And all the pieces of my life alligned! He is an amazing person, and I fell head over heels in love with him, almost the moment we met. And he loved me back - even with all of the demons that followed in my shadow.
He proposed 4 months after we met... We both knew - we just knew. Falling in love was almost instantanious. He is absolutely the best part of my life, even now - after 17 years of marriage... He is my best friend. He keeps me grounded and reminds me every day that he loves me. Don't get me wrong, we have our ups and downs like every marriage - but that doesn't make me love him any less. I am so very lucky!
Then we were married and had our oldest daughter shortly after. A year later, we had our youngest daughter.
I'll be the first to admit... These girls came into my life like a whirlwind. In a matter of 18 months, I was married and had 2 babies... Crazy! Honestly - if it wasn't for pictures, I wouldn't remember a thing about their first 2 years.
But let me tell you something about these girls. They are amazing!
Remember - All I ever wanted was a family. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Education didn't matter to me, money didn't matter, worldly possessions didn't matter... Just family - plain and simple.
I am certainly living my dream - no doubt about it.
My entire life revolves around this family... My husband, my daughters... Even our dog.
In 2004 - Thanksgiving Day, to be exact... Josh left for a 12 month deployment to Iraq. It was the worst year of my life! I cried every single day... There I was, alone - raising 2 girls on my own - I had no clue what I was doing, or what I would do with out him if he never came back. My life became a fog, and the only thing that propelled me forward was the girls. But the girls and I learned something that year... My oldest was only six, and my youngest was only five... But we learned to be independent, we learned that we could survive on our own, and we learned that we were solid together. That year, brought us so close, and even to this day - my girls are very independent people - who know that they can survive the hardest of times, as long as we have eachother.
Josh made it home safely - exactly one year later - Thanksgiving Day 2005. It's hard to believe, from one Thanksgiving to the next, I could go from being so distraught, to having my world tilted right again. The amount of relief that poured out of me the day he landed safely back home is not something I could ever express in words, and I am still grateful every single day for his safe return to us. I promised God, while he was gone, I would continue to love him every single day for the rest of my life, if he just brought him home to me alive. I do, and I will.
I've worked so hard to overcome my past, and make my family a "normal" family. Whatever "normal" is, I have no idea - because my childhood was anything but normal, remember?
I don't expect much from my girls... I expect them to try their best in every situation. I expect them to know - with out a doubt - that they are loved every single day. I have taught them that trust and respect are earned and never just given. I have taught them that a life filled with laugher and meaning is a wonderful life. I have taught them that it's OK to laugh AND cry, their feelings and their emotions are their own - and they have to right to them, no matter what they are. I have taught them that I will never judge them for their feelings, and I will do my very best to understand them in all situations. Most of all, I always tell them... "I have no idea what I am doing. I am not a perfect parent. I am not always right." And above and beyond anything else - if I feel I am wrong in any situation, I always apologize. Because, let me tell you... There have been many times in my life that my girls have taught me a thing or two about parenting, and I was truly wrong.
But do you know what? These girls - I am so very lucky to have them! They are my world, it spins and revolves around them. They are teens... They are moving on with their own lives. As a mom - this is so hard for me to be on that line of "these are MY children" as ownership... And "these are my children living their own lives" as their own people. And letting them do that, and letting them make their own mistakes. It is my instinct to shelter them, and to protect them - it's so hard to stand back and let them learn on their own. But I must, and I do.
Often times, I am taken back to my own childhood... And I have to ask myself... When I was feeling a similar feeling - what did I need at that time? I relive my memories a lot, and I believe it helps me be a better parent. There are times when all my girls need is a good cry - and someone to hold them while doing it... They don't need me to sit there and tell them what to do, they don't need me to judge them, and they don't need me to walk away... They just need to know that I am there. And that I love them.
It's pretty easy - ya know. I feel like I was really fortunate... Despite how I grew up, and the many homes I lived in. I still think I was lucky. Because I had all these homes, I had all of these parents - and I feel like, as a parent myself, I can now pull from my many families and my many situations to come up with the best possible solution I can give my girls. How many people can do that? I never thought I would look back on my childhood and consider myself "lucky".
Despite all of the above, I still struggle with my childhood and how people see me. I like to think I am well respected among my family and my peers. But I know for a fact, there are people in my life now that look down on me for the way I was raised. People I once respected and loved. I cry about it often, and I wonder what I ever did to them to make them not see me for the person I am, rather than the person I was. But then I realize - it is not my fault. I cannot change the way I was raised, and if they are going to judge me for something that was beyond my control, well then they don't deserve my respect or my love. But it still bothers me, and it still makes me wish I was good enough for them, because I know - no matter what I do - I never will be.
Last year, my oldest daughter had to do a project at school... She had to interview the person in her life that she respected most, and she chose me. What an honor! The interview was tough - I had to tell her things about my life that I hoped I could keep locked inside forever, things I never wanted my girls to know. We both cried - we cried a lot. I was so afraid that she would also see me for the person I was, and not the person I am... But I should have known better. Instead, she told me, she respected me and loved me more. She tells me always that I am a great mother and she looks up to me... That, to me, is the greatest honor of all... To have my girls look at me, and know me, know what I've overcome - and to love me and respect me for the person I am and the person I've become, because I've allowed them to be the amazing people they are. Some parents will never experience that. I didn't do anything special... I've never given them everything they've ever wanted, I've never spoiled them, and I've never tried to buy their love. I've just been here, every day.
Being a parent, and coming from a background that was difficult - at best, has taught me so many things. In my life, I only ever wanted to love and be loved. There is no greater feeling! I wish the same for my girls. Watching them grow, and seeing them become these amazing individuals makes me so proud of them.
I couldn't have wished for a better family or a better outcome to my life. Again, I am so very lucky!
D~
What an amazing story, and what a great way to look for the positive in everything
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