Reflections...

So... While going through some old photos last night, I stumbled upon this photo of me taken in November of 2012.... To refresh your memory a little bit... My journey started in March of 2012 with strict Weight Watchers and excessive cardio... By August of 2012, I was completely burned out, and as dedicated as I was before, I became the opposite and completely gave up - yet again. So, this photo was taken in the midst of my size climbing back up... I didn't get my head back into the game ~fully~ until March of 2013... So, this photo isn't even the "worst of the worst".

 

Upon scrolling past this photo last night, I had to stop and back up, then zoom in. I was shocked! It looked like someone I once knew, and old friend, the old me. I sat there and stared at this photo for quite some time, and as I sat there and stared at it, I remembered how I felt all of the time... How I was almost scared to live every day. I was reminded of how difficult it was for me to move, how I could barely roll over in bed, or walk up my stairs to go to work, how difficult it was to stand, or walk, or get in and out of the shower. At the age of 37, my life was that of someone twice my age, someone I'd come to accept as society's description of "normal aging"... There were so many things I couldn't do, so many things I didn't even try to do. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, and every time I put on my clothes - I stared at myself in disbelief, because the person staring back at me was lonely, sad and defeated.

It was sometime during the time this photo was taken, the person you see there, she began to really analyze her life... tried to put the pieces back together... Started researching on how to do right by herself, and her family. It was that person right there who had the courage to take a different path, the courage to find her own way, and the determination to start on a journey with no map and no compass. Just the sheer will for a better life, a life with purpose and a life that was truly enjoyable.

I remember laying in bed one night... Really on the brink of despair... not knowing where to turn or where to start. Truly, the hardest part of this journey was to find the starting line. I always talk about going slow... but if you were to ask the person above, how slow is slow? She wouldn't have been able to give you an answer, because even though she wanted to go slow and make the changes last, she wanted the loss and recognition to be instantaneous. There is nothing that person could have done to prepare her for the journey that was unfolding right in front of her eyes.

Never once, did that person realize what her life was about to become. A life of a weak person that barely had the strength to move about her day and accomplish the simplest of things... Was about to evolve into a strong person - a person stronger than she ever thought possible, a person with very few health problems, a person with confidence, and true joy for life and the people in it, a person - in her wildest dreams - she never thought she even desired to be.

I've said it many times before... It's taken a lot of courage to find a path that was unique only to me... A path that I could forge on my own - whether others have been there or not - the key for me, was finding things I enjoyed doing... And never, no matter what, push myself and force myself to eat things that I didn't like (because they were "healthy") or to force myself to exercise in a way that wasn't enjoyable. It led me on a path I didn't expect to find - ever. It led me on a journey of self discovery. It led me to find my own way.

I've faced many criticisms over the years. People, friends & family who thought I was crazy for taking the path less traveled, because it was right for me. Each person who didn't believe, drove me even further into believing in myself... And believing that my chosen path was the correct path. Those people forced me to learn to trust in myself - they gave me the power I needed to push forward and continue on. And they forced me to analyze every single detail, insuring that I truly was doing the absolute best thing for me. It wasn't easy, and many times I had to prove myself and my intentions to the people who are closest to me, making them see that I was doing what was right - even if it wasn't right for them. But in the end, I truly believe they are proud of me, and for the most part, don't question my ways anymore. They see the person I've become, and I do think they are proud of me.

I look at my life now, and how it's changed, it's very difficult to imagine how I once was. Yet, in the very same breath - I see and feel that person every time I look in the mirror. I struggle with this a lot, because no matter how much I improve my life, I am not sure I can ever truly run from who I was or where I started. I still struggle with how I see myself, and how others see me. Some days, I do look in the mirror, and the person I see looking back at me, is the same person you see above. It might sound convoluted, but I think many people who have been in my shoes struggle with this very same thing. It's totally a mental thing, and I think the only way to overcome it is time... Lots and lots of time.

This journey is an endless one. I say this a lot. Sure, I have a goal size... and if you've read all of my healthy living updates, you'll know that I've been stuck at this size for well over a year. Even though I have truly "plateaued" - that doesn't keep me from trying new things and trying every single day to start over and make it the best day I can make it. I think that is a huge key.... I could very easily shout "failure" from the roof-tops just because I am stalled... but rather than convince myself I am a failure for not reaching my goal with in a given time... I've convinced myself that I am never a failure, unless I quit trying. So, I try... Every day... Every meal... Every snack... I try. Some days, I try harder than others... but I always try.

There is no end here... It is always me against myself... Finding ways to make this work for me... Finding what truly makes life enjoyable and working that into my day, any way I can. Finding purpose and drive where I never thought I could find it. THAT is the goal - that is the true goal. Losing size and looking better is all a side effect of conquering my health and being absolutely the best person I can be, day after day, week after week, year after year.